Many months have passed since my last writings, many things stayed the same but some things have changed.
The roommate is gone.
It became a highly charged situation that had me sleeping with my bedroom door locked. I think the moment that changed everything was the night I blindfolded him and tied him to the bed. It’s not my nature; I am not fluid. I take care of everything in my life, work, bills, cleaning, the yard, the pool, groceries, walking the dog, my family, planning parties, events, etc. This is why I thoroughly enjoy letting someone else take the lead and make decisions for me – it feels like such a rare treat to not have to think or do or decide, to just listen to someone’s voice and trust that person, to surrender.
The roommate had been dropping hints that he would like to switch. I tried to ignore the hints, but I am a pleaser, and one night I closed my eyes, took a big deep breath, and did it. The first time I did it, it was more to get it over with; I assumed it would be a one-and-done. My goal was to get it over with as soon as possible, as in, blindfold him, tie him down, and make him c*m. I can still remember him giving me feedback that it was great, or well ok … but it felt a bit rushed.
In the following weeks, there were a couple of more tries, longer ones. God, it’s exhausting. Guiding someone, deciding, deciphering their body language, creating a story, a journey; slow down, speed up, all the different sensations; hot, cold, smells, playing the thin line between pain and pleasure, and keeping someone on the edge. It added so much extra stress and unwanted responsibility to my already supercharged days. The roommate didn’t do much; he slept in until late in the afternoons, stayed in or around the house most of the days. I realized that I paid for almost everything, and just like that, our dynamics had shifted. It felt like he had taken away the one thing I enjoyed so much, to surrender, to be able to let go and unwind. I lost respect for him and started to get irritated and withdrawal myself from him, and this is when it got messy …
tbc
